What is the idealized vision of a man?

The Globe and Mail ran a very politically incorrect article earlier this week, dealing with sex. It is here, for easy reference: Sarah Hampson – Sex, or he’s your ex (please, don’t sue me.)

The reason why this post is dedicated to the article is because it touches at the base of all the sexual stuff I’ve been posting about and contemplating. The end-reasoning is for women to “Be a lady in public and a whore in the bedroom. And help him understand that before talking dirty, the whore sometimes needs to have a cuddly chat about her day.”

Now, let’s examine the later part of that sentence, as the former’s been well covered in women’s magazines. To guide this post, I’m referencing a comment in response to the OpEd: “I read an interview with the Mayflower Madame some years ago. She was asked why she felt there was such a high demand for high-priced escorts. She responded (I’m paraphrasing here) that ‘A man will marry expecting his wife to always be the hottie in the bedroom that they were before marriage while a woman marries expecting to change their husband into their idealized vision of a man.’ “

What is the idealized vision of a man?

(Remember that these are not rules, but an idealistic guideline. As such, there will be conflicting ideologies.)

It clearly isn’t exaggerated machoism. “The men with the most exaggerated ‘masculine attributes’ often win Darwin Awards. They are doomed to an early demise; someone described these macho men as “nature’s playground”. In evolutionary terms, they are expendable. The make themselves expendable. They are self-parodies.”

It’s about communication; she wants you to be her best friend.
a: To elaborate on the former, I’m referring to not effeminate communication, but rather soulful communication. There is a subtle difference: you want to be open and honest, but not weak and needing validation. Do not rely on her to give you strength. A woman must know that her man cares, and you need to pay particular attention to her at specific times. (However, this doesn’t mean that you should smother her with attention.)
b: To elaborate on the latter, you want to give your girl cuddly chat, because women view express their love through words, whereas men do it through actions. Women like to talk, and verbally be affirmed of their love, whereas men like to fuck, and be physically affirmed of their love. Being her best friend shows that you are there with her, for her, on a deeper level than anybody else is or would be. And remember to sometimes show your love, as talk does need to be supported through action.

Likewise, it’s alert compassion. Seek her opinions and check her wishes on an ongoing basis. It’s playing with children, being soft when you need to be soft. It’s about going as slow as is necessary, and if things are going badly for her, taking a step back and doing something extraordinary. The only “weak” action you can have is refusing to man up in this regard.

It’s mutual love and respect. Do your share of the work, and remember that you have to leave time for your woman to look sexy instead of making her clean shit all the time. Apologize clearly, directly, and non-defensively when you make a mistake.

My own coda to this post is that it’s about having silently strong beliefs. That there are things in the world that you believe in, and that you’ll fight for. The subliminal effect of this is communicating that you’re going to fight for your family, when the going gets tough. By having these beliefs, it’s possible to confidently affirm that you accept your wife for who she is, that she comes first, and that her man won’t be corrupted from who he was.

Stay classy, San Diego. As always, comments are not only appreciated, but very, very welcomed.

Love/Lust/Need/Want

The title of this post is Love/Lust/Need/Want. I love. I need. I lust. I want.
The dating scene is really separated into two camps: those who want Miss. Right Now, and those who want Mrs. Forever. The search to settle down’s an interesting one, but I’m looking at the grey-area between the two.

It’s the line between wanting someone and needing someone. And that line is what often kills a relationship. I’ve lost more than one girl because I either needed them more or less than they needed me, or I wanted them more or less than they wanted me. Usually both parties aren’t in-sync: one generally wants while the other needs, or the other needs while the other wants. (Those who are in-sync are usually with their partner for a long period of time, and thus they are excluded from this post.)

From this vantage point, most people aren’t conscious about what they actually want. If you’re going along with the flow of things, then there’s no way that you can accurately tease out what you want until a few hours into the conversation. (This is because all conversations are different; you may flirt or initiate deep conversation, and everybody reacts differently to both modes.)

So what’s the right amount to invest in someone? Most guys I know would say that they wish to keep things flirty and fun, and leave the deep conversation for later (and then reinitiate). This is because really deep initial conversations more often lead to deep friendships, since the initial fun flirtiness is lost and is incongruent after the initial interaction.

But what if you really want someone? I know I do sometimes, and it’s there that I’m lost. If you pursue someone aggressively for a deep relationship, there’s a good chance that you’ll come on too strong, and freak her out. Most people don’t want something immediately deep. But it’s that depth which brings a wholly different level to the relationship.

When I hit that depth, things get a bit weird, and my emotions fall out of my control. I’m not a jealous person, and in any open relationship, we can both can date as many people as we want. But I do want loyalty at the end of the day, and the subtle assurance that I’m within her heart. There is no true technique that will guarantee this beyond the vague belief that my frame is strong, and that it is attractive.

I want. I need. I lust. I love.

This post references a post on reyalP’s blog, found at blog.reyalp.net. A local copy of the referenced post can be found here. The relevant part is Back to Basics.

Apologies, Apologies.

Have you ever met someone who apologized incessantly? A guy or a girl who was unable to stop apologizing. I used to be one of those people.

The reason why I continued to apologize was that I needed acceptance and validation. I needed the validation to know that my ideas were alright, and I needed to be continually built up to know that what I was doing, who I was, was acceptable to people.

So, why did I stop supplicating? It’s because I realized that continual apologizing wasn’t hot. Since I completely lacked confidence, people became turned off to being the source to either my “good vibe” or “bad vibe.” And in most circumstances, people would get really pissed off with that person, incredibly quickly.

I realized that I usually apologized after comments that I perceived people would take badly, and that usually those comments were actually my real desires. In actuality, I was I apologizing on two fronts: first, I was apologizing for what I wanted, and second, I was apologizing for external events that I did nothing wrong in. (This is since the first tendency of mine would be to apologize after EVERYTHING.)

So, how did I do it? Very, very consciously. It’s like pleasure addiction, in that both are actually removed the same way. To quote coyoteugly, “Your subconscious will soon realize whose boss. Now, why did I ask you to keep a pen and piece of paper? Here’s why: The first few weeks WILL be difficult, and unless you’re Mr. Self-torture you’ll fall down a few times. This is normal. But: any time you do slip up and [apologize unnecessarily], you must record the time and date of your [apology] right after it occurred. So simply write it on the sheet of paper. The next time it happens, do the same thing – under the previous entry. By doing this you can keep track of your progress. If you really want to get laid, and unless you’re a total goof, you should find that as time goes on, the entries become less and less frequent. Continue your everyday life as normal. Sometimes all you’ll be able to think of is giving in. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO RESIST THE TEMPTATION.”

(Yes, this process works for both pleasure addiction and being an apologizing, humble fool. It was also taken from Coyoteugly’s post archived at ASFGold)

Resist the temptation to fall back into your apologizing ways, and move forwards, always.

Attached are two posts by SnowPatrol, which gave me Ah-HA! moments. They are on Acceptance and Social Value (i.e., The Difference Between You and Them).

Reproduced with permission: SnowPatrol – Acceptance and Social Value

Overgeneralizations.

Overgeneralizations are my forte here, and it’s most likely better to talk about it now, rather than later. I suffer from seeing things from one-dimension: the simpleton male’s.

I’m a direct, dominant male. I’m working on exorcising the insecure demons within me, a long, drawn out process. As such, I’ve revamped my peer group. The group I’ve surrounded myself with are direct, blunt guys. They’re open, they’re (trying to be) flirty. I’ve really made an effort to stand away from people who are unwilling to be open to me.

My peer group, and the writings I reference, are an attempt to codify my beliefs into one package, one person. As such, this is more of a journey than anything. Since that these writings are going to be one-dimensional by nature, I make no effort to see things from other peoples’ perspectives.  Any attempt to be sympathetic to differing beliefs would most likely be seen disingenuous.

Oh, and welcome to my blog. Flame wars are not tolerated.

Stereotypical Parents: Knocked Up Child

Ray and I saw “Knocked Up” together, and she asked me something very simple: why do girls’ parents want girls to get abortions, and males’ parents want guys to keep the kid?

Or, to put things in another context, why are girls’ parents afraid that their kids’ll get knocked up, but males’ parents expect their lads to knock a girl up? (This, of course, only goes until the kid’s 25-ish. After which, these criticisms may not be valid.)

It has to do with social norms, and the belief that women will, in all situations, be raped by a man. That the bastard father will leave the child, and that the situation will leave the woman in dire straits. If a man has a child, and he announces it to the family, the assumption is that he’s going to stay with the child, take care of it financially.

Of course, this is overgeneralization. There isn’t a set-answer, and religious practices may dictate that a child be kept. But, as far as things go, Apatow hit the scene right-on-mark.

“Guys Just Need To Be Natural…”

Alright, this post is for the ladies.

I was riding the subway today and some girls were talking about men. You know the chat — “I wish that guys would just be themselves, that they’d be natural around me.” The whole “genuine” chat.

So I’m just going to generalize for a bit here, based on my own thoughts and experiences. I’m sorry for any offense this might cause, but it’s for the best. Really.

1. Guys are horny. We like sex as much as girls do, but the difference is that we’re not worried about being labeled as “sluts” as girls are. Sure, guys are sluts, but we don’t really worry about the title, because our friends think it’s healthy and good  to get laid. So when we try for sex, it’s as a mutually-pleasing expedition into the female form, and not because we think “it’d seem cool if I banged her.” There’s always more to it.

2. Guys don’t appreciate shittests. You’ve heard it before, and it’s worth reiterating: don’t ask cosmo questions. Don’t try to trap us with our words. It’s not appreciated, and just because you’re looking for a flaw doesn’t mean that there’s one there. I had a girl ask me what I thought my relationship with her should be like from my perspective.  I told her that I’d like an emotionally and sexually fufilling relationship. She then became incredibly offended that I didn’t “take her feelings into account” when I told her what I thought my relationship with her should be.

Classic shittest. Don’t do it, because if you do it enough, I WILL WALK AWAY.

3. I don’t think before I speak. I don’t think most guys do. Sure, we’re naturally semi-sauve, but breaking our balls over every misspeech is not a way to creating a good relationship. So, if you’re a girl and you begin using microspeech criticism, you’re making the relationship a whole lot worse. As Judd Apatow wrote, such criticism creates an “unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond. Except that it’s without the pithy dialogue, and instead of 22 minutes, it lasts forever.”

4. Believe that your guy’s doing the best he can. Girls, if you don’t, you can walk, but most guys I know do their damnedest to make things work well. And even if he’s 20 minutes late to the show, don’t you think that it shows that he cares enough to listen to you yelling at him just so that he can see you, you most likely have a keeper.

Guys, if you have other things you  think should be on this list, feel free to add in the comments.

Too Much Sexual?

One of the things that I tried to put into action was an overarching sexual game. Where sex is the first thing, the relationship the second thing. In essence, you quench your desires and then let the relationship work. Because the sex is so great, the relationship’s locked down better and better. Things will get easier over time, and the spontaneous sex will make things better.

This is a fallacy. You can’t rush into a lot of freaky sex with someone from the get-go, it has to be a gradual build-up. I’m sure that if I was a master at PU, I could; but I’m applying this for the normal mortals who read this blog.

Make a gradual build-up. This is due to anti-slut guidelines; if you want too much sex, the girl feels like you’re using her for her body, and that her mind is secondary. Likewise, if you’re using her too much for her mind, then the sexual attraction is lost.

This is distilled into a semi-regular sexual guideline. Don’t push it, but don’t ever let it stand on the backburner. Create a real and regular sexual tension and continue to pursue it. Don’t let the ramp cool off, ever.

In a semi-unrelated post, here’s David Shade on How to be a Bad Boy. Check it: How to be a Bad Boy – Case in Point

PLR: That Backwards Step

I guess I’ll start with the story. I met a girl in a singles chat room, and we talked for a while. She didn’t seem skanky, and we talked for a few hours before we had phone sex. At the end of it, she said “I love you” a few times, which was interesting. I thought she’d aggressively pursue me, and was psychologically charged for that fact.

I never saw her again, and I fell into a funk about it. (It’s where the “let yourself feel lonely” post came from.) I thought about it, and the realized that the expectations which I held threw me for a curve. So, as a recovering, it’s always interesting to see how the mind reacts to new situations. I’ve not had a lot of phone sex/cybersex in my time, but when I do, I usually know where it’s going. For the most part. But when you hit a connection with someone, and she never returns back — that always creates an interesting dilemma.

It’s not rejection, since things never hit the “constantly seeing other” orbit. So, 1) what is it, 2) how do you prepare yourself for a ONS with a connection, and 3) handle the turnaround?

1. When you’ve got a connection, and you’re just starting out, things are fucking great. It’s like the old relationships of the past, deep connections, things are CLICKING. But it’s not necessarily got the fun vibe. It’s got that “serious deeply madly truly yours” connection — that old sinking ship that you have too early on in a relationship (this is especially the case with LSE girls.) So when you have a ONS scenario (singles chat room, leading to cybersex or phone sex), the connection throws you for a loop — leads you to think that there’ll be more. I’m tempted to say that this feeling is stronger in people with an Addictive personality, who get their hopes up a bit strongly over it.

2. I guess that what I’m learning is that you prepare for it by being detached from it all. Not uncaring, but not opening up like a flower to everyone. You be yourself, you see how and where it goes, but you realize that the situation (especially the MODE of pickup) will leave you most likely with an ONS. Don’t just go somewhere and think “man, she’ll be with me for months.” She won’t, if you don’t calibrate where you are.

3. You handle the turnaround by realizing that you’re a damn PUA. We’re working so that we’re indifferent, and unphased by events. Sure, she might shit test you. Sure, she might try to hurt you. Sure, she might call you a stupid fucking shit. But we’re cocky, and we’re going to vibe through it and anything that comes through it. There’s nothing else you can psychologically do to prepare for that inevitability.

There’s no good way to cap this post, no pithy link, nothing but the vague philosophy that forward movement always requires a backwards step. To realize how things go wrong early on allows us to see how they will go better later on. Each man’s journey is a slow amount of steps, each culminating in a totality of “better person.”

Peace, guys.

I’m Better.

Which is big. I’ve been not coughing hardcore throughout the day, so it looks like I’m healed.

Time to digress into AFC matters for a while. I’ve been trolling chats/craigslist while sick, mostly out of boredom, some out of self-pity. I even answered a few personals ads (gah, damn me.)

This truism hit me: It’s easy to let yourself feel lonely.

The key word there is “let.” Loneliness is something that you feel when you don’t bother to put your barriers up. When you don’t bother to let the cockiness or even the “I’m normal” persona up. It’s akin to a woman not putting her face on and then going out. It’s the best foot forward.

So, as a rAFC, what is our best foot? It’s being cocky. It’s being confident, even when you don’t feel it. Meet everybody, leave no man behind. (That last one’s hard for me still, I need to work on it.) I read a post on Vin’s forum by Dominance, which was spot on about this. Read it by clicking on Latest Realizations In Game (No Particular Order) by Dominance.

And remember: Don’t Let Yourself Be Lonely. Stay strong, and man up.

I love listening to the change.

My throat’s been sandblasted. On purpose, partially; never expected it to get this bad, though.

Here’s the story. Finals finished Thursday, and I went out to celebrate with my friends. I was suffering from a migraine at the end of the meal, and then attempted to dry swallow a broken Excedrin.

I almost vomited. The broken end slammed into my throat and gave me insta-nausea. Most people on the T weren’t stupid enough to sit next to me in that state, though one businessman decided to risk it. He quickly moved away.

Feeling fucked up, I called home, got a ride back. I immediately took some antacids and drank some water to wash away some of the dehydration that’d apparently been building up. And I hovered around the toilet, waiting for the nausea to pass.

When it did, I started coughing. And I couldn’t stop. My flatmates didn’t bother to inform me that we had cough medicine, so I was battling it out with the coughing for around 36 hours. Within that 36 hours, though, I went out with Ray in a vain attempt to finish the clothes shopping we started last week.

After seven hours of hanging out, I’d completely lost my voice. I mean, completely. Nothing could literally come out of my vocal chords, although I could whisper. (Try whisper-speaking to people over the phone, it really doesn’t work well).

Before completely losing my voice I got my schedule cleared. And with gritty determination, I decided to not speak until my voice got better. That was a decision made 36 hours ago (it’s been three days of ubersickness, for those following the timeline).

When not communicating with pen and paper, I can hear my voice reconstruct itself. And it’s utterly fascinating. When you first speak, all you get is a deep bass. Eight+ hours later, you get a weird bass+treble combination, with no middle-tone. I woke up today, and my voice was completely treble. My voice is coming closer to normal, but it’s a surprise every time I open my mouth to speak.

…in other news, it’s kinda a pain in the ass to not speak. I only recommend it if you want people to get frustrated with you until they remember that you’re not speaking.