Love/Lust/Need/Want

The title of this post is Love/Lust/Need/Want. I love. I need. I lust. I want.
The dating scene is really separated into two camps: those who want Miss. Right Now, and those who want Mrs. Forever. The search to settle down’s an interesting one, but I’m looking at the grey-area between the two.

It’s the line between wanting someone and needing someone. And that line is what often kills a relationship. I’ve lost more than one girl because I either needed them more or less than they needed me, or I wanted them more or less than they wanted me. Usually both parties aren’t in-sync: one generally wants while the other needs, or the other needs while the other wants. (Those who are in-sync are usually with their partner for a long period of time, and thus they are excluded from this post.)

From this vantage point, most people aren’t conscious about what they actually want. If you’re going along with the flow of things, then there’s no way that you can accurately tease out what you want until a few hours into the conversation. (This is because all conversations are different; you may flirt or initiate deep conversation, and everybody reacts differently to both modes.)

So what’s the right amount to invest in someone? Most guys I know would say that they wish to keep things flirty and fun, and leave the deep conversation for later (and then reinitiate). This is because really deep initial conversations more often lead to deep friendships, since the initial fun flirtiness is lost and is incongruent after the initial interaction.

But what if you really want someone? I know I do sometimes, and it’s there that I’m lost. If you pursue someone aggressively for a deep relationship, there’s a good chance that you’ll come on too strong, and freak her out. Most people don’t want something immediately deep. But it’s that depth which brings a wholly different level to the relationship.

When I hit that depth, things get a bit weird, and my emotions fall out of my control. I’m not a jealous person, and in any open relationship, we can both can date as many people as we want. But I do want loyalty at the end of the day, and the subtle assurance that I’m within her heart. There is no true technique that will guarantee this beyond the vague belief that my frame is strong, and that it is attractive.

I want. I need. I lust. I love.

This post references a post on reyalP’s blog, found at blog.reyalp.net. A local copy of the referenced post can be found here. The relevant part is Back to Basics.

Apologies, Apologies.

Have you ever met someone who apologized incessantly? A guy or a girl who was unable to stop apologizing. I used to be one of those people.

The reason why I continued to apologize was that I needed acceptance and validation. I needed the validation to know that my ideas were alright, and I needed to be continually built up to know that what I was doing, who I was, was acceptable to people.

So, why did I stop supplicating? It’s because I realized that continual apologizing wasn’t hot. Since I completely lacked confidence, people became turned off to being the source to either my “good vibe” or “bad vibe.” And in most circumstances, people would get really pissed off with that person, incredibly quickly.

I realized that I usually apologized after comments that I perceived people would take badly, and that usually those comments were actually my real desires. In actuality, I was I apologizing on two fronts: first, I was apologizing for what I wanted, and second, I was apologizing for external events that I did nothing wrong in. (This is since the first tendency of mine would be to apologize after EVERYTHING.)

So, how did I do it? Very, very consciously. It’s like pleasure addiction, in that both are actually removed the same way. To quote coyoteugly, “Your subconscious will soon realize whose boss. Now, why did I ask you to keep a pen and piece of paper? Here’s why: The first few weeks WILL be difficult, and unless you’re Mr. Self-torture you’ll fall down a few times. This is normal. But: any time you do slip up and [apologize unnecessarily], you must record the time and date of your [apology] right after it occurred. So simply write it on the sheet of paper. The next time it happens, do the same thing – under the previous entry. By doing this you can keep track of your progress. If you really want to get laid, and unless you’re a total goof, you should find that as time goes on, the entries become less and less frequent. Continue your everyday life as normal. Sometimes all you’ll be able to think of is giving in. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO RESIST THE TEMPTATION.”

(Yes, this process works for both pleasure addiction and being an apologizing, humble fool. It was also taken from Coyoteugly’s post archived at ASFGold)

Resist the temptation to fall back into your apologizing ways, and move forwards, always.

Attached are two posts by SnowPatrol, which gave me Ah-HA! moments. They are on Acceptance and Social Value (i.e., The Difference Between You and Them).

Reproduced with permission: SnowPatrol – Acceptance and Social Value

Overgeneralizations.

Overgeneralizations are my forte here, and it’s most likely better to talk about it now, rather than later. I suffer from seeing things from one-dimension: the simpleton male’s.

I’m a direct, dominant male. I’m working on exorcising the insecure demons within me, a long, drawn out process. As such, I’ve revamped my peer group. The group I’ve surrounded myself with are direct, blunt guys. They’re open, they’re (trying to be) flirty. I’ve really made an effort to stand away from people who are unwilling to be open to me.

My peer group, and the writings I reference, are an attempt to codify my beliefs into one package, one person. As such, this is more of a journey than anything. Since that these writings are going to be one-dimensional by nature, I make no effort to see things from other peoples’ perspectives.  Any attempt to be sympathetic to differing beliefs would most likely be seen disingenuous.

Oh, and welcome to my blog. Flame wars are not tolerated.

AA and the Endgoal

I’ve got a lot of content from previously, which I’m not going to post. In fact, I have no intention of posting that stuff. It’s in the past, and there’s no need to be completist, rehashing the old.

I haven’t done a cold approach in a week and a half, and that’s taken its toll. Today has two bits of inspiration, both equally inspiring.

The first comes from sinic. “People always try and be realistic because they feel being unrealistic is unachievable… however if everyone is being realistic there is more competition in that area. So in theory it’s easier to attract a 10 as opposed to attracting an 8″

He’s right. But what’s been bugging me a lot is that I don’t know my goal. Am I looking for an immediate fuck and then follow that up with like a relationship? Or am I looking to set the relationship in stone and then fuck the living shit out of her?

That kind of indecisiveness is readily apparent when you’re in the middle of a set.

So know where you’re going, know what your vision is. Fuck, I need to find mine. More later… and for the interim, Formhandle on David X.