What is the idealized vision of a man?

The Globe and Mail ran a very politically incorrect article earlier this week, dealing with sex. It is here, for easy reference: Sarah Hampson – Sex, or he’s your ex (please, don’t sue me.)

The reason why this post is dedicated to the article is because it touches at the base of all the sexual stuff I’ve been posting about and contemplating. The end-reasoning is for women to “Be a lady in public and a whore in the bedroom. And help him understand that before talking dirty, the whore sometimes needs to have a cuddly chat about her day.”

Now, let’s examine the later part of that sentence, as the former’s been well covered in women’s magazines. To guide this post, I’m referencing a comment in response to the OpEd: “I read an interview with the Mayflower Madame some years ago. She was asked why she felt there was such a high demand for high-priced escorts. She responded (I’m paraphrasing here) that ‘A man will marry expecting his wife to always be the hottie in the bedroom that they were before marriage while a woman marries expecting to change their husband into their idealized vision of a man.’ “

What is the idealized vision of a man?

(Remember that these are not rules, but an idealistic guideline. As such, there will be conflicting ideologies.)

It clearly isn’t exaggerated machoism. “The men with the most exaggerated ‘masculine attributes’ often win Darwin Awards. They are doomed to an early demise; someone described these macho men as “nature’s playground”. In evolutionary terms, they are expendable. The make themselves expendable. They are self-parodies.”

It’s about communication; she wants you to be her best friend.
a: To elaborate on the former, I’m referring to not effeminate communication, but rather soulful communication. There is a subtle difference: you want to be open and honest, but not weak and needing validation. Do not rely on her to give you strength. A woman must know that her man cares, and you need to pay particular attention to her at specific times. (However, this doesn’t mean that you should smother her with attention.)
b: To elaborate on the latter, you want to give your girl cuddly chat, because women view express their love through words, whereas men do it through actions. Women like to talk, and verbally be affirmed of their love, whereas men like to fuck, and be physically affirmed of their love. Being her best friend shows that you are there with her, for her, on a deeper level than anybody else is or would be. And remember to sometimes show your love, as talk does need to be supported through action.

Likewise, it’s alert compassion. Seek her opinions and check her wishes on an ongoing basis. It’s playing with children, being soft when you need to be soft. It’s about going as slow as is necessary, and if things are going badly for her, taking a step back and doing something extraordinary. The only “weak” action you can have is refusing to man up in this regard.

It’s mutual love and respect. Do your share of the work, and remember that you have to leave time for your woman to look sexy instead of making her clean shit all the time. Apologize clearly, directly, and non-defensively when you make a mistake.

My own coda to this post is that it’s about having silently strong beliefs. That there are things in the world that you believe in, and that you’ll fight for. The subliminal effect of this is communicating that you’re going to fight for your family, when the going gets tough. By having these beliefs, it’s possible to confidently affirm that you accept your wife for who she is, that she comes first, and that her man won’t be corrupted from who he was.

Stay classy, San Diego. As always, comments are not only appreciated, but very, very welcomed.

“Guys Just Need To Be Natural…”

Alright, this post is for the ladies.

I was riding the subway today and some girls were talking about men. You know the chat — “I wish that guys would just be themselves, that they’d be natural around me.” The whole “genuine” chat.

So I’m just going to generalize for a bit here, based on my own thoughts and experiences. I’m sorry for any offense this might cause, but it’s for the best. Really.

1. Guys are horny. We like sex as much as girls do, but the difference is that we’re not worried about being labeled as “sluts” as girls are. Sure, guys are sluts, but we don’t really worry about the title, because our friends think it’s healthy and good  to get laid. So when we try for sex, it’s as a mutually-pleasing expedition into the female form, and not because we think “it’d seem cool if I banged her.” There’s always more to it.

2. Guys don’t appreciate shittests. You’ve heard it before, and it’s worth reiterating: don’t ask cosmo questions. Don’t try to trap us with our words. It’s not appreciated, and just because you’re looking for a flaw doesn’t mean that there’s one there. I had a girl ask me what I thought my relationship with her should be like from my perspective.  I told her that I’d like an emotionally and sexually fufilling relationship. She then became incredibly offended that I didn’t “take her feelings into account” when I told her what I thought my relationship with her should be.

Classic shittest. Don’t do it, because if you do it enough, I WILL WALK AWAY.

3. I don’t think before I speak. I don’t think most guys do. Sure, we’re naturally semi-sauve, but breaking our balls over every misspeech is not a way to creating a good relationship. So, if you’re a girl and you begin using microspeech criticism, you’re making the relationship a whole lot worse. As Judd Apatow wrote, such criticism creates an “unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond. Except that it’s without the pithy dialogue, and instead of 22 minutes, it lasts forever.”

4. Believe that your guy’s doing the best he can. Girls, if you don’t, you can walk, but most guys I know do their damnedest to make things work well. And even if he’s 20 minutes late to the show, don’t you think that it shows that he cares enough to listen to you yelling at him just so that he can see you, you most likely have a keeper.

Guys, if you have other things you  think should be on this list, feel free to add in the comments.

I’m Better.

Which is big. I’ve been not coughing hardcore throughout the day, so it looks like I’m healed.

Time to digress into AFC matters for a while. I’ve been trolling chats/craigslist while sick, mostly out of boredom, some out of self-pity. I even answered a few personals ads (gah, damn me.)

This truism hit me: It’s easy to let yourself feel lonely.

The key word there is “let.” Loneliness is something that you feel when you don’t bother to put your barriers up. When you don’t bother to let the cockiness or even the “I’m normal” persona up. It’s akin to a woman not putting her face on and then going out. It’s the best foot forward.

So, as a rAFC, what is our best foot? It’s being cocky. It’s being confident, even when you don’t feel it. Meet everybody, leave no man behind. (That last one’s hard for me still, I need to work on it.) I read a post on Vin’s forum by Dominance, which was spot on about this. Read it by clicking on Latest Realizations In Game (No Particular Order) by Dominance.

And remember: Don’t Let Yourself Be Lonely. Stay strong, and man up.

Spit on the Tyrant

Spit on the tyrant God if the fucker tries to call you to account.
- Richard Morgan

I’ve been thinking about dominant game. And about who we are. So, to kick things off, I’m going to link up to this article: The Submissive Alpha Female. It talks heavily from a femme’s prospective about how dominance is pretty much expected from the standard male. (For more proof of this, check out My Secret Gardens by Nancy Friday.)

It ties nicely into the whole “dom/dom+” mindset which I’m working with, and am really thinking about. You dominate a sub, but you really dominate with a femdom. In both cases, you’re not going to be passive — because a girl likes a guy who works to maintain his freedom, while remaining caring. In essence, independent action outside the bedroom is tempered by emotional action within. It’s the Taken in Hand relationship. (Same site where the previous link was stolen from, actually.)

The state which we put ourselves in is a reflection of our reality, and who we are. Dominance, Self-Confidence, and a pretty stylish wrapping is ALL you need in the end. Our community is built to provide these things with a social-improvement frame, and this creates the persona we look to become. At least, that I’m looking to become.

In other news, I’m still sick. When I can speak, I hope to go out with sd.