Attitude

The truth behind the matter is that my lack of posts has been self-imposed.

I’ve been pushed at work beyond any limits that I thought or knew I had, putting in 11 hour days for no pay (as I’m an intern, see). And it’s so completely worth it.

But that’s neither here nor there, here’s another tasty post.

My friend told this to me, and I believe him: routines are developed solely so that people without confidence can develop it. It’s akin to learning a fallback that you can resort to when nervous. MM is a system that’s written out so that you can follow it quickly, easily.

The reality behind this reasoning is that we’re afraid of the unknown, of the void. If all you need to build is confidence, how do you do so? How do you build momentum when you’re not started?

There are a variety of different ways, and these are all small steps designed to attack the root of the problem. As the problem is social confidence with the other gender, the best technique that I know is to play in an ultimate frisbee game. As you get older, you can resort to more suitable sports for your age; but the premise is the same. Go to a social event where the “in” is easy, and there’s no pressure to be social.

You’ll meet people there, and the soft friendships you make there can begin to permeate into other areas of your life.  You never want to eat alone — you never want to go out alone, you always want to push the boundaries of what you know and thought to be possible.

Hope can be created if you think that you can achieve through short steps. I don’t think that this blog can be “great” immediately, but with enough posts, with enough friends, and with enough time, I can make it something that I’m proud to be a part of.

Keep the right mindset as you move forward, and keep the right ATTITUDE.

Rock on, soldiers.

Rock the fuck on.

What is the idealized vision of a man?

The Globe and Mail ran a very politically incorrect article earlier this week, dealing with sex. It is here, for easy reference: Sarah Hampson – Sex, or he’s your ex (please, don’t sue me.)

The reason why this post is dedicated to the article is because it touches at the base of all the sexual stuff I’ve been posting about and contemplating. The end-reasoning is for women to “Be a lady in public and a whore in the bedroom. And help him understand that before talking dirty, the whore sometimes needs to have a cuddly chat about her day.”

Now, let’s examine the later part of that sentence, as the former’s been well covered in women’s magazines. To guide this post, I’m referencing a comment in response to the OpEd: “I read an interview with the Mayflower Madame some years ago. She was asked why she felt there was such a high demand for high-priced escorts. She responded (I’m paraphrasing here) that ‘A man will marry expecting his wife to always be the hottie in the bedroom that they were before marriage while a woman marries expecting to change their husband into their idealized vision of a man.’ “

What is the idealized vision of a man?

(Remember that these are not rules, but an idealistic guideline. As such, there will be conflicting ideologies.)

It clearly isn’t exaggerated machoism. “The men with the most exaggerated ‘masculine attributes’ often win Darwin Awards. They are doomed to an early demise; someone described these macho men as “nature’s playground”. In evolutionary terms, they are expendable. The make themselves expendable. They are self-parodies.”

It’s about communication; she wants you to be her best friend.
a: To elaborate on the former, I’m referring to not effeminate communication, but rather soulful communication. There is a subtle difference: you want to be open and honest, but not weak and needing validation. Do not rely on her to give you strength. A woman must know that her man cares, and you need to pay particular attention to her at specific times. (However, this doesn’t mean that you should smother her with attention.)
b: To elaborate on the latter, you want to give your girl cuddly chat, because women view express their love through words, whereas men do it through actions. Women like to talk, and verbally be affirmed of their love, whereas men like to fuck, and be physically affirmed of their love. Being her best friend shows that you are there with her, for her, on a deeper level than anybody else is or would be. And remember to sometimes show your love, as talk does need to be supported through action.

Likewise, it’s alert compassion. Seek her opinions and check her wishes on an ongoing basis. It’s playing with children, being soft when you need to be soft. It’s about going as slow as is necessary, and if things are going badly for her, taking a step back and doing something extraordinary. The only “weak” action you can have is refusing to man up in this regard.

It’s mutual love and respect. Do your share of the work, and remember that you have to leave time for your woman to look sexy instead of making her clean shit all the time. Apologize clearly, directly, and non-defensively when you make a mistake.

My own coda to this post is that it’s about having silently strong beliefs. That there are things in the world that you believe in, and that you’ll fight for. The subliminal effect of this is communicating that you’re going to fight for your family, when the going gets tough. By having these beliefs, it’s possible to confidently affirm that you accept your wife for who she is, that she comes first, and that her man won’t be corrupted from who he was.

Stay classy, San Diego. As always, comments are not only appreciated, but very, very welcomed.

Love/Lust/Need/Want

The title of this post is Love/Lust/Need/Want. I love. I need. I lust. I want.
The dating scene is really separated into two camps: those who want Miss. Right Now, and those who want Mrs. Forever. The search to settle down’s an interesting one, but I’m looking at the grey-area between the two.

It’s the line between wanting someone and needing someone. And that line is what often kills a relationship. I’ve lost more than one girl because I either needed them more or less than they needed me, or I wanted them more or less than they wanted me. Usually both parties aren’t in-sync: one generally wants while the other needs, or the other needs while the other wants. (Those who are in-sync are usually with their partner for a long period of time, and thus they are excluded from this post.)

From this vantage point, most people aren’t conscious about what they actually want. If you’re going along with the flow of things, then there’s no way that you can accurately tease out what you want until a few hours into the conversation. (This is because all conversations are different; you may flirt or initiate deep conversation, and everybody reacts differently to both modes.)

So what’s the right amount to invest in someone? Most guys I know would say that they wish to keep things flirty and fun, and leave the deep conversation for later (and then reinitiate). This is because really deep initial conversations more often lead to deep friendships, since the initial fun flirtiness is lost and is incongruent after the initial interaction.

But what if you really want someone? I know I do sometimes, and it’s there that I’m lost. If you pursue someone aggressively for a deep relationship, there’s a good chance that you’ll come on too strong, and freak her out. Most people don’t want something immediately deep. But it’s that depth which brings a wholly different level to the relationship.

When I hit that depth, things get a bit weird, and my emotions fall out of my control. I’m not a jealous person, and in any open relationship, we can both can date as many people as we want. But I do want loyalty at the end of the day, and the subtle assurance that I’m within her heart. There is no true technique that will guarantee this beyond the vague belief that my frame is strong, and that it is attractive.

I want. I need. I lust. I love.

This post references a post on reyalP’s blog, found at blog.reyalp.net. A local copy of the referenced post can be found here. The relevant part is Back to Basics.