I’m a Sex Fiend.

This is by far the hardest post I’ve had to write in a long time. This is my proverbial outing: I am a man, and I am a sex fiend. I wouldn’t say that I’m a nymphomaniac — I don’t NEED sex. But I crave sex, and have been ashamed of it for longer than I can remember.
I came to this revelation a few days ago, and I’ve been trying to figure out what it really means. Masturbating three times a day if given the chance, indulging in fantasties of mind control, mature women, and soft domination.

And the shame… I’d look away from a story after I had release. Avert my eyes from pornography because I was “guilty” of wanting it. In my mind I was guilty of being immoral — since I had grew up with the belief that men are sexual predators, and that as a man, I will force my “unwanted needs” on unsuspecting women.

Over the years, this programming has manifested itself in an interesting way. It has convinced me that I need to be effiminate because women won’t be offended with that mentality. That heroes from movies such as The Princess Bride were the models that I was supposed to follow. And that I needed to be moral in all ways.

A few years ago, I realized that I projected that “morality” onto females. That if I wanted a girl, that I’d be taking advantage of her. And so my repression grew, and my shame increased accordingly.

To come out of that shell, I needed to admit to myself that I am a sexual creature. And I needed to admit that I crave females. I would stare at ladies and pretend that my ogling them wasn’t sexual, but rather done out of boredom.

I am a sexual man. I can and will not tolerate people telling me that I am immoral for who I am. Because repressing myself has ripped my insides out, and changing into the new person that I wish to be has cost me most of my friends.

But it’s who I need to be. The old must die, the new must reign. I don’t know if I can be that new person completely, and I don’t know who I will end up being. But I will integrate myself into being. The new must reign.

PLR: That Backwards Step

I guess I’ll start with the story. I met a girl in a singles chat room, and we talked for a while. She didn’t seem skanky, and we talked for a few hours before we had phone sex. At the end of it, she said “I love you” a few times, which was interesting. I thought she’d aggressively pursue me, and was psychologically charged for that fact.

I never saw her again, and I fell into a funk about it. (It’s where the “let yourself feel lonely” post came from.) I thought about it, and the realized that the expectations which I held threw me for a curve. So, as a recovering, it’s always interesting to see how the mind reacts to new situations. I’ve not had a lot of phone sex/cybersex in my time, but when I do, I usually know where it’s going. For the most part. But when you hit a connection with someone, and she never returns back — that always creates an interesting dilemma.

It’s not rejection, since things never hit the “constantly seeing other” orbit. So, 1) what is it, 2) how do you prepare yourself for a ONS with a connection, and 3) handle the turnaround?

1. When you’ve got a connection, and you’re just starting out, things are fucking great. It’s like the old relationships of the past, deep connections, things are CLICKING. But it’s not necessarily got the fun vibe. It’s got that “serious deeply madly truly yours” connection — that old sinking ship that you have too early on in a relationship (this is especially the case with LSE girls.) So when you have a ONS scenario (singles chat room, leading to cybersex or phone sex), the connection throws you for a loop — leads you to think that there’ll be more. I’m tempted to say that this feeling is stronger in people with an Addictive personality, who get their hopes up a bit strongly over it.

2. I guess that what I’m learning is that you prepare for it by being detached from it all. Not uncaring, but not opening up like a flower to everyone. You be yourself, you see how and where it goes, but you realize that the situation (especially the MODE of pickup) will leave you most likely with an ONS. Don’t just go somewhere and think “man, she’ll be with me for months.” She won’t, if you don’t calibrate where you are.

3. You handle the turnaround by realizing that you’re a damn PUA. We’re working so that we’re indifferent, and unphased by events. Sure, she might shit test you. Sure, she might try to hurt you. Sure, she might call you a stupid fucking shit. But we’re cocky, and we’re going to vibe through it and anything that comes through it. There’s nothing else you can psychologically do to prepare for that inevitability.

There’s no good way to cap this post, no pithy link, nothing but the vague philosophy that forward movement always requires a backwards step. To realize how things go wrong early on allows us to see how they will go better later on. Each man’s journey is a slow amount of steps, each culminating in a totality of “better person.”

Peace, guys.

I’m Better.

Which is big. I’ve been not coughing hardcore throughout the day, so it looks like I’m healed.

Time to digress into AFC matters for a while. I’ve been trolling chats/craigslist while sick, mostly out of boredom, some out of self-pity. I even answered a few personals ads (gah, damn me.)

This truism hit me: It’s easy to let yourself feel lonely.

The key word there is “let.” Loneliness is something that you feel when you don’t bother to put your barriers up. When you don’t bother to let the cockiness or even the “I’m normal” persona up. It’s akin to a woman not putting her face on and then going out. It’s the best foot forward.

So, as a rAFC, what is our best foot? It’s being cocky. It’s being confident, even when you don’t feel it. Meet everybody, leave no man behind. (That last one’s hard for me still, I need to work on it.) I read a post on Vin’s forum by Dominance, which was spot on about this. Read it by clicking on Latest Realizations In Game (No Particular Order) by Dominance.

And remember: Don’t Let Yourself Be Lonely. Stay strong, and man up.