This is by far the hardest post I’ve had to write in a long time. This is my proverbial outing: I am a man, and I am a sex fiend. I wouldn’t say that I’m a nymphomaniac — I don’t NEED sex. But I crave sex, and have been ashamed of it for longer than I can remember.
I came to this revelation a few days ago, and I’ve been trying to figure out what it really means. Masturbating three times a day if given the chance, indulging in fantasties of mind control, mature women, and soft domination.
And the shame… I’d look away from a story after I had release. Avert my eyes from pornography because I was “guilty” of wanting it. In my mind I was guilty of being immoral — since I had grew up with the belief that men are sexual predators, and that as a man, I will force my “unwanted needs” on unsuspecting women.
Over the years, this programming has manifested itself in an interesting way. It has convinced me that I need to be effiminate because women won’t be offended with that mentality. That heroes from movies such as The Princess Bride were the models that I was supposed to follow. And that I needed to be moral in all ways.
A few years ago, I realized that I projected that “morality” onto females. That if I wanted a girl, that I’d be taking advantage of her. And so my repression grew, and my shame increased accordingly.
To come out of that shell, I needed to admit to myself that I am a sexual creature. And I needed to admit that I crave females. I would stare at ladies and pretend that my ogling them wasn’t sexual, but rather done out of boredom.
I am a sexual man. I can and will not tolerate people telling me that I am immoral for who I am. Because repressing myself has ripped my insides out, and changing into the new person that I wish to be has cost me most of my friends.
But it’s who I need to be. The old must die, the new must reign. I don’t know if I can be that new person completely, and I don’t know who I will end up being. But I will integrate myself into being. The new must reign.
