I can’t say that I’ve had a lot of dreams. I’ve had the occasional bout struggling with the illusion of grandeur; everyone has. But I do remain hopeful at the future, believing that there can and will be a better future for me at some point along the road.
I think I found the right road. It’s a path which can make me a lot of money, and help people at the same time. AND help myself. It’s a trifecta. There’re two obvious pitfalls, though.
The first is that I need to learn coding for websites. From the bottom up. I’ve not coded…. ever. And I need to learn HTML 1.0, javascript, java, and perhaps CSS. And then most likely PHP. And I’ll be doing this on my own dime, on my own time.
The second is that I need to trust that I’ll get paid. I very well might not, and might be compensated unfairly. In essence, I’m trusting that my boss will be “cool” and give me adequate, if not above-adequate, compensation for my time and effort.
My parents believe that I’ll be left lackluster — that with this process that I’ll fall in with my brother, lacking a job and left searching. And yet I can see that my boss has great things planned — if he can just reach the tipping point and make things fall in his favor.
Risk and courage lie in the same boat. To pursue what you believe will work out in your favor, risking it all is necessary. I just wish that I wasn’t so damn pressured about it.
I’m reminded of Cobain — at the very height of his recording career, he wrote the worst and greatest B-Side I’ve ever heard — Moist Vagina. The lyrics are simplistic; “she had a moist vagina, I particularly enjoy the circumference. From the sucking walls of her anus… I prefer her to any other.” the music itself is incredibly muddled, sloppily delivered. But the song carries weight as it shows that pressure to perform carries weight, and that not everybody can carry it. But if you can, if you can stick through it, you may be more than you believe you are.
So who am I?
